Thinking back on that moment still flushes my cheeks in embarrassment.
Living with anxiety.
I'm not a big promoter of people diagnosing themselves with an issue and using that self diagnosis as an excuse to just continue on their path. With that said, I do know it's important to recognize your issues so that you can understand why you struggle and how to overcome it. I have struggled with anxiety and OCD tenancies since I've been a small child.
I was the little girl that threw up at slumber parties when it was time to fall asleep in unfamiliar beds. I peed my pants more than I'd like to admit. I still remember the pure terror I felt while knocking on my friend's parents' door to let them know I needed to call my mom again to pick me up. But most of all, I remember the pure relief I felt when my mom loaded me back up in her familiar minivan at 11 p.m. with her forgiving smile.
Sometimes when I look at you people that don't seem to have a care in the world I want to shake you! I want to just vomit out every single anxious thought crossing my mind in hopes that it will fill your brain and leave mine in a 'Green Mile' type fashion. I feel so annoyed and so jealous of you all at once. Annoyed that us anxious people often take your problems upon ourselves without being asked. But so so jealous that you can lay your head on your pillow at night and really truly rest.
I'm writing this post at 12:12 a.m. because I need to release how I've been feeling about raising my first born son who struggles with this exact anxiety at a mere 5 years old. It makes me tear up knowing that he thinks he's alone in all of this.
So here goes...
My Dearest Kole,
I want you to know that I see you.
I see you looking over your shoulder 3,4...6 times as you walk up to your big new elementary school to make sure that I'm sure that you're okay. I give you my biggest reassuring smile because I know that's just what you need.
I know the embarrassment you felt when your fully potty trained self had 2 accidents in the first week of school due to the change of environment tightening your stomach into a taut ball of rubber bands. I too had stomach problems the moment I got the phone call. Why? Because I hate change and I know your change fuels my change and... you and me, we're just not good at change.
I see you try your best to control your handsome little face when someone changes a plan on you last minute or begins to lecture you. I hugged you tight when you told me recess was your least favorite part of the day because there was no structure (in so many words) and you need structure to feel calm.
I know how it feels to know you're being annoying but also feel unable to not ask those questions controlling your mind. "Did you check my folder mommy?" "Did you initial where the teacher said?" "You'll be here to pick me up, right?" "Turn my nightlight off when you're nursing...(and then pausing to hear that, 'OK' for reassurance)
I understand that when you tell me millions of minimal details of your day and I listen, you feel so incredibly loved. This is why we take occasional walks home from school when we could drive in an air conditioned mini van. I'm here to listen to you, one on one, and help you hash out the world's problems. I am almost 30 years old and your poor daddy has to hear me fill his head with such doodads so I can breathe again and feel like my mind is cleared for new tasks and information.
I accept that you will always be an extra needy child. You need confirmation that you're on the right track. You need acceptance. You need assurance that someone has your back... and I do, I have your back. I wish I could tell you your neediness just goes away one day but it doesn't. You'll need to form friendships with good listeners that can handle your blabbering phone calls and wave of tears at 12 a.m. and still love and accept you. You'll need a powerful prayer life because God is the only one that can take our burdens upon Himself without complaining and heal our hearts.
I want you to know that you'll also need to marry a good listener. A woman who lets you pour out your daily anxieties while she nods her head and hugs you tight like your daddy does for me. She will not tell you, "It's not that big of a deal." or laugh at your insecurities. She will pray with you and listen to you cry and tell you that God is bigger than your problems. And if she doesn't...(and she better!)...I will. I promise.
When we recently visited the doctor about your stomach issues it all boiled down to one thing...anxiety. I explained to him that I was once too an anxious child. I understand the way your mind somehow has the power to shut down your whole system until every part of you is confused and hurting. He told me that the best prescription for a child like you is a former anxious child like me because I get you.
Anxiety will never truly leave your life but don't look at it as a curse. There are a few advantages. You will always be one step ahead of others because you overthink every detail. You will hold so much care in your heart and people will recognize that and God will reward you for distributing such a big love. Your worrisome mind will keep you out of trouble and leave you with less regrets later in adulthood. Although your anxiety will create a need for competition (and not always healthy), it will also create a need to do your best and follow through on your projects.
I am here to pray with you. I am here to listen to you. I am here to reassure you and love you and relate to you. We will learn from one another and pull through this pesky thing together, day by day.
I don't really know if this letter will ever reach you in your later years but that's okay if it doesn't. It's more of a commitment to myself as your mother to really give you my all and be understanding when many cannot.
We love you Koley boy.
Love,
Mommy
