I'm worried I worry too much.

I am always telling Dane not to die on me. That feels weird typing it out but it's true. I do not know anyone else that would put up with my needy, anxiety ridden butt.  I'll normally give him a little warning..."Okay, I'm about to have an OCD rant..will you just sit and listen a second so I can get it off of my chest?" and he does. Or at least he acts like he does..which is good enough for me.

Dang you anxiety.

I have a major problem with it. I sometimes worry about worrying too much. Oh no, should I worry about that?! ;) It has held me back in life more than anything. I remember once a professor interrupted my self criticism about a paper and shouted at me, "STOP APOLOGIZING FOR YOURSELF!" And it shocked me to tears but he was so blunt that it made me think. I needed to hear that.

When my anxiety gets really bad it always ends in me carrying strong OCD tendencies like checking my alarm exactly 12 times, proofreading a Facebook status 3 times before posting or remaking my grocery list because it wasn't neat enough. I've had a few legit panic attacks that left me hunched over crying with uncontrollable shakes. It was scary!

One piece of advice I like to lean on is, "Don't borrow trouble." My doctor's phone nurse told me that when I kept throwing, "What ifs?" at her regarding Kinley's 5 week long jaundice scare. It's better to focus on the here and now, not borrow the trouble that COULD BE.

But if anyone takes the cake on giving good advice, it's definitely my dad. He explains anxiety to me like this...

It's almost as if we we're all born with this cup inside of us that is there to hold onto anxiety and worry. So when I was in college full time, working and pregnant, my cup only held really big issues like giant tests or a sickness in the family and left out the dumb little stuff. Here's the kicker though, no matter how busy or full your life is, your cup is still yearning to gather worry. So, for instance, when I was on my maternity leave, my cup still wanted to fill itself, leaving me worrying about someone's Facebook status or getting the kids ready for a trip to the doctor the next day. I swear it's a ploy to steer us away from God which leads to my  next point.

How would you feel if your child came up to you, tugged on your shirt and said, "Mommy, are you going to feed me tomorrow? Are you going to pay the bills?" I can't think of anything that would hurt my feelings or insult me more. OF COURSE I'll feed my babies. OF COURSE I'll pay the bills. I'll do anything for them no matter what. They're my children.

But that's how we treat God, isn't it? He gave me a wonderful spouse, three healthy children, a roof over my head & on and on...but here I still am up at night worrying about tomorrow. And I can just imagine God saying, "OF COURSE I'll take care of you. You're my child."

MATTHEW 6:25-34

Now plug in your cell phone, say your prayers and go to bed. He's got this.

Good night.